2009 Apple Predictions

Another year has passed, the ball has dropped, they rolled Dick Clark out of cold storage and a new year has been ushered in. That can only mean that a new list of predictions must be made by all certified Apple pundits. And since I have the official decoder ring and everything, well, I have no choice. I have to make a list. So, without further ado, my predictions.

iBorg - Steve Job's health worsens prompting him to become the world's first human/Apple cyborg appropriately enough called, the iBorg. Resistance isn't cool.

Still No tablet - But despite the ground breaking new ability to become a semi-immortal being with a build-in iPod, people still complain loudly because no iTablet thing was released. Bunch of ungrateful whiners.

Microsoft Quietly Kills the Zune - Amid unpleasant realizations that this whole "iPod" craze isn't dying down as quickly as they anticipated, Microsoft decides to discontinue all Zune products. No one notices for 6 months.

Apple Buys Digg - Deciding it just doesn't get enough good press, Apple buys Digg and ensures that the site is always flooded with smarmy Apple-loving stories. Digg users notice no changes.

MicroHoo - In a move that can best be described as "eh, why not, right?" Microsoft buys Yahoo and spends the next 5 years attempting to integrate the two companies.

iPhone Sales Dominate - Breaking all records this year iPhone sales now effectively subsidize Apple's shrinking laptop and desktop business forcing a new advertising slogan called, "we still make computers too".

Apple Assimilates AT&T - Not happy that AT&T is selling other phones Apple buys its wireless carrier and converts each AT&T wireless store into an iPhone sales center. Enraged customers demanding more choices in cell phones descend on Apple's headquarters from across the country and riot. Thankfully, they were all able to share the same cab on the way to the demonstration.

Many Apple Pundits Retire - Having finally decided that they simply don't have anything more to say about their favorite company, many bloggers hand up their white earbuds and move onto more prosaic pursuits. In the following months the media reports a strong surge in sales of model cars, stamp collecting starter kits and memberships to eHarmony.

That's all I've got. Check back with me next year to see how I did.